courage & cowardice

2009-04-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

2009-04-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

Theres no more fun to be found at UTA.

I've

spent all my savings on cigarettes and diet dr. peppers and tires and gas

dropped my laptop twice

been in the judicial affairs office 4 times

tagged dormitory with sidewalk chalk

made friends with some security guards

thrown up in the bushes

vacuumed and rearranged the room in a drunken stupor

missed free breakfast

killed 3 fish (on accident)

read the sunday paper (every sunday.)

dyed hair

among other things

when do you really know where you really aught to be?

im broke and cold and sick of arlington.

and the wind really blows too hard here.

where to now?

meanwhile

happy pictures from the san francisco migration:

Migration

2009-03-05T16:35:00.001-08:00

for lack of creativity:

2009-02-28T15:01:00.000-08:00

i am in the paper.

2009-02-16T19:09:00.001-08:00

http://www.dallasobserver.com/streetTeams/photo/devotchka-1233581/4/

picture show

2009-02-07T16:58:00.000-08:00

muchas gracias por the groovy camera, tommy.

back to school.

2009-01-26T13:08:00.001-08:00

2009-01-14T11:50:00.000-08:00

where
is my boyfriend?

bath time then time to read.

meanwhile:

pictures from paris -and winter wonderland pictures:

xoxo anna

accumulation

2009-01-14T02:24:00.001-08:00

i leave to go back to dallas in two days, heavily laden with prizes and books and music and trinkets i have accumulated over the last month.

somehow i have ended up with alot of shit.

more later.

hair update

2009-01-05T04:39:00.000-08:00

if we lived in a perfect world - i wouldnt sleep alone and my hair would be this curly naturally.

new tattoo & very fake smile

2008-12-31T03:19:00.000-08:00

2008-12-29T14:50:00.000-08:00

i need a pig.

2008-12-29T12:48:00.000-08:00

and the purpose is...?

2008-12-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

i found a notebook today that i had written in when i first moved to Germany two years ago at the tender age of 17. with nothing better to do for the three weeks i spent floating until we moved into a house, i wrote no more than 10 shitty pages of angsty angry notes and terrible attempts at deep and meaningful poetry.

although today, in the present day and age, i am no better at poetry or diary keeping - id like to find this again at some point and say something around "shit did i really have nothing to write?" and follow along the bits and pieces for nothing more than a vignette on the life im living today.

so, for the records:

1)My name is Anna Soca

2)I am approximately 5 feet and 11 centimeters

3)I weigh 110 lbs

4)I have shoulder length dark brown hair that ive razored with a single edge razor blade

5)I am reading several books at the same time including (but most definitely not limited to) The Idiot - Dostoyevsky, Walden - Henry David Thoreau, Awakening the Buddha Within: Eight Steps to Enlightenment - Lama Surya Das, Introduction to Hinduism, and A Short History of Nearly Everything - Bryson

6)I smoke

7)I drink

8) I have four tattoos - flying bird behind left ear, infinity/8 on right upper forearm, "this too shall pass" left upper ribs, and daisy with "audemas" latin on right hip

9)I do not know how to drive

10) I am a freshman in college with a relatively good GPA

11)I like uppers

12)I am self conscious about my upper thighs

13)Im not good, but im not bad either

14)I have good friends but not very many.

15)I drink too much diet coke.

woo-pie.

enough of this.

good night, i retire.

2008-12-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

friday night battle wound:

i broke up a fight because i'm afraid of hospitals.

(secret #1)

more later.

position on life at the moment.

2008-12-23T14:01:00.001-08:00

today was a train trip to Trier

including:

----------------------------------------------------------------

some things i am:

5 ft. 10 cm.

a reader

significantly dorky

angry about the obsession with Christmas specials and special moments figurines

lonesome

relatively rotund

slightly bitter

some things i am not:

spiritual

good at spelling

single

blatantly honest

resolution maker

some things I've made up my mind about:

new years is for champagne, not for goal making which are to be forgotten three weeks in.

i refuse to classify myself as spiritual in any way. I am not an atheist, nor am i looking for any sort of validity in religion in order to live with meaning. i wake up, i drink coffee, i go pee, and the day begins without any sort of earth-shattering moment of godly intervention. as hard as it my be to believe, those things i do, are all by my own volition.

fuck trucks.

philosophy is interesting but in the end its all sums up to the idea that people are just sort of dumb. and though we mean well most of the time, the outcome is a random pick of millions of variable, interchangeable answers. and that’s what’s really pretty fucking neat about life. - and that’s a done deal.

i am one of the living.

-how convenient.

and lastly:

you being in love
will tell who softly asks in love,

am i separated from your body smile brain hands merely
to become the jumping puppets of a dream? oh i mean:
entirely having in my careful how
careful arms created this at length
inexcusable, this inexplicable pleasure-you go from several
persons: believe me that strangers arrive
when i have kissed you into a memory
slowly, oh seriously
-that since and if you disappear

solemnly
myselves
ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile

and how do i prefer this face to another and
why do i weep eat sleep-what does the whole intend"
they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive
this absurd fraction in its lowest terms
with everything cancelled
but shadows
-what does it all come down to? love? Love
if you like and i like,for the reason that i
hate people and lean out of this window is love,love
and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason
that i do not fall into this street is love."

-ee cummings

final thought: i really do love that boy.

back in the good ole DE.

2008-12-18T18:03:00.001-08:00

willkommen sie landstuhl. danke danke tuchuss.

ja, das ist gut bier!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

i find myself longing for fingertips and thighs.

taste the

tip of the tongue-

lets us together you and i we me and you

ive got nothing else tonight.

im happy but im wanting whats far.

baaaaaaaaaah.

some things i like.

2008-12-10T23:57:00.000-08:00

on second thought:

some things i like:

thoughts on summer:

2008-12-10T23:43:00.001-08:00

rather than study for the 40% 8 am history exam ive got tomarrow,

i prefer

to dream up plans.

what else have you got to do when you've got to wait?

and i reply:

2008-12-04T15:38:00.001-08:00

and then:

these write the words on that paper over and over when i wake up in the morning, when i tie my shoes, light my cigarettes,

i remember we liked these at some point or another.

and thats just a start.

hes just really not all that looseable in my mind.

deal?

deal.

but enough of that.

happy friday handsome.

ps. i miss my daily dose of scrubs.

monday.

2008-12-01T11:06:00.000-08:00

hooray for thanksgiving adventures. :]

2:43am

2008-11-13T00:41:00.000-08:00

must wake up in 4 hours.

cant sleep.

unsettled.

i want to run.

(remember those?)

Obama, Day 1.

2008-11-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

life advancements since October 24, 2008:

-new president

-new mac book

-new younger brother

-headache

-consistant cough

-uninfected piercing

-cold feet

-better sex (but only once)

-cigarette cut down (begins today.)

-so far: cigarettes-2 anna's body-0

-roommate status: MIA

-sleep status: nil

Victories and Failures of 24 October

2008-10-24T16:31:00.001-07:00

Victory:

Boy has now made the transition to ex-boy #2 at UTA.

Successfully copied history notes in under 2 hours.

Successfully avoided post-“Thirsty Thursday” hangover vomit session.

Failure:

Remedy post-“Thirsty Thursday” hangover with the Excedrin that has been sitting in my purse for weeks.

Return clothes to the dryer which are completely wet still from earlier laundry excursion and are now molding in a laundry basket in my room.

Find quarters for return laundry trip.

Abide by previously planned meal options which have been completely forgotten and all food choices have been incredibly unhealthy. – EX:

New facial orifice (namely: Monroe) is still infected.

Attend 10:00am class.

Find something good to do on Friday night.

Scenes from “Thirsty Thursdays”

we were stoked.

Tuesday Evening (Tuesday Triage, Final Excerpt.)

2008-10-21T17:35:00.001-07:00

you know, the more i look at this the more i feel like i am young and filled with angst. ?

SO:

to provide a rebuttal -

done deal.

angst – 0

anna – 1

also of note: Ancient Greeks had DEATH RAY prototypes.

neato.

Tuesday Afternoon

2008-10-21T14:08:00.001-07:00

New Tattoo?

“The causes lie deep and simply—the causes are a hunger in a stomach, multiplied a million times; a hunger in a single soul, hunger for joy and some security, multiplied a million times; muscles and mind aching to grow, to work, to create, multiplied a million times. The last clear definite function of man—muscles aching to work, minds aching to create beyond the single need—this is man. To build a wall, to build a house, a dam, and in the wall and house and dam to put something of Manself, and to Manself take back something of the wall, the house, the dam; to take hard muscles from the lifting, to take the clear lines and form from conceiving. For man, unlike any other ting organic or inorganic in the universe, grows beyond his work, walks up the stairs of his concepts, emerges ahead of his accomplishments. This you may say of man—when theories change and crash, when schools, philosophies, when narrow dark allies of thought, national, religious, economic, grow and disintegrate, man reaches, stumbles forward, painfully, mistakenly sometimes. Having stepped forward, he may slip back, but only half a step, never the full step back. This you may say and know it and know it. This you may know when the bombs plummet out of the black planes on the market place, when prisoners are stuck like pigs, when the crushed bodies drain filthily in the dust. You may know it in this way. If the step were not being taken, if the stumbling-forward ache were not alive, the bombs would not fall, the throats would not be cut. Fear the time when the bombs stop falling while the bombers live—for every bomb is proof that the spirit has not died. And fear the time when the strikes stop while the great owners live—for every little beaten strike is proof that the step is being taken. And this you can know—fear the time when Manself will not suffer and die for a concept, for this one quality is the foundation of Manself, and this one quality is man, distinctive in the universe.”

The Grapes of Wrath (p. 150)– John Steinbeck

So: I came across this this morning. I was smoking a cigarette before a self-help class and read it twice and felt it had some sort of significance.

i like the idea. i didn't want to forget about it.

Tuesday Morning, 1:25 AM

2008-10-21T00:00:00.001-07:00

I should really have gone to bed by now.

Class in the morning, 9:30.

Previous Morning:

7:15am Wake up, roll over, back to bed.

7:30am Alarm goes off, roll over, wake up boy, go back to sleep.

8:25am Boy is still uncomfortably next to me dead asleep and he was supposed to be gone an hour ago, preferably he would have been gone 12 hours ago but I suppose that just didn’t happen.

9:00am Boy wakes up. Pissed over missing latin class. anna rolls over, back to sleep. uncomfortably uncomfortable. wine burp. back to sleep.

9:02am Boy takes shower. tracks water everywhere. leaves dirty dishes in bathroom sink.

9:04am Anna wishes Boy was ex-boy. Back to sleep, relatively melancholy.

9:10am Boy kisses Anna on both cheeks awkwardly. GUILT. Anna reviews the fact that its really time to break things off with Boy. Close eyes and pretend to be sleepy.

10:38am Wake to an empty room. Experience the best shower of my life sitting on the floor with really hot water.

10:52am Boy has left towel on floor in wet soggy pile. fuck.

11:15am Dressed. Smoke break.

11:21am Realize I have a jazz midterm in 39 minutes.

11:22am Give up on jazz.

11:23am Chain-smoke

11:40am Inhale lunch

11:59am Hope to learn jazz through osmosis by listening to Feeling Good-Nina Simone

End: 2am, still melancholy.

The Coffee Song – Frank Sinatra

Way down among brazilians
Coffee beans grow by the billions
So theyve got to find those extra cups to fill
Theyve got an awful lot of coffee in brazil
You cant get cherry soda
cause theyve got to fill that quota
And the way things are Ill bet they never will
Theyve got a zillion tons of coffee in brazil
No tea or tomato juice
Youll see no potato juice
The planters down in santos all say no no no
The politicians daughter
Was accused of drinking water
And was fined a great big fifty dollar bill
Theyve got an awful lot of coffee in brazil
You date a girl and find out later
She smells just like a percolator
Her perfume was made right on the grill
Why they could percolate the ocean in brazil
And when their ham and eggs need savor
Coffee ketchup gives em flavor
Coffee pickles way outsell the dill
Why they put coffee in the coffee in brazil
So your lead to the local color
Serving coffee with a cruller
Dunking doesnt take a lot of skill
Theyve got an awful lot of coffee in brazil

my grandmother thinks my name is susan.

2008-10-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

Day 1

Really, the problem with me having any sort of writing anything is that my head seems to completely empty as soon as i look for something to say.

SO:

10:46am

i have 6 minutes left in my Sociology class. im wearing a yellow scarf, black sleeveless dress, black pointy shoes, hose, black cardigan button-up. there are two bracelets ive worn for about a year on my left wrist, i cut my middle finger yesterday on a razor blade making a pushpin board and today it hurts, i still have a cough - going on two weeks.

essentially.